The Tolkien Conspiracy or The Spider House Rules
by a cappella
Summary: Freud would never encourage one to engage in conversation with a hallucination but there I sat, talking to Legolas as if he were as real as you and me. What was the Tolkien Conspiracy anyway?
1. A Prologue of sorts

Apologies: I don't know why the damned thing won't load right but everything is at the side now..soooo….it looks odd. I hate it when things aren't symmetrical. 

Disclaimer: If I owned anything remotely interesting related to Tolkien or his world, would I really be here writing fan fiction? No, I'd be raking in the dough. So you can assume that I own nothing other than my dog-eared copies of the _Silmarillion_, the _Lord of the Rings_, _The Hobbit_, and _The Unfinished Tales_.

author's little yellow sticky post-it note: The Spider House Rules are rules set down by my husband for "our" (and when I say our, I mean all the Loyal Legolas Lovers of the world) Legolas. 

The Tolkien Conspiracy

or

The Spider House Rules

A prologue of sorts

If I'm lucky and feel like doing something, I'll wake up around noon. The only thing that disturbs me between 5 am and 2 pm is the kiss my husband gives me before he leaves for work (which isn't disturbing) and the lady down the street who is always letting her dog out and then loosing him. His name is Sam and every morning I hear her calling for him and it sends me into pleasant dreams of cute little hobbits. Yes sleeping when others have to go to work is a favorite hobby of mine. When you're American, and you live in England, you can't drive or work so there's just not much to do. Usually I spend my time, after I wake, on the internet , talking to the insane mob of people who, like myself, have nothing else to do on a Wednesday at 3 in the afternoon. Everyday seemed the same. Wake up, sometime around 2, play around on the computer, read some inspiring tales of the Legolas-flavored variety till Chris (the hubby) got home, watch some Simpsons, have supper, go to sleep, and repeat the same process the next day. Nothing interesting happened. Not that it was bad, mind you. It was all...predictable. Nice, warm and predictable. But HE was not predicted. Thinking back on it, I should have known. There were so many odd things happening, I should have known. First was the hose turning on by itself incident.

"Strange, that." I thought at the time. "Perhaps we are haunted. That would at least give our house some character." 

Chris took care of it. I didn't even bother getting up to see what had happened. I heard him mutter something from the backyard and then come back in with a smile on his face.

"Must've turned on by itself." He said. "Probably ghosts." He added sarcastically.

"Sarcastic smartass. " I thought. I tend to believe in everything paranormal. I suppose that more logical people might think me a bit odd. I think Chris usually just humors my fascination with it. I didn't give it another thought afterwards.

Then there was the kitten. She kept bolting out the door every time it was opened. She wasn't normally like that. She liked going outside like all cats but she actually climbed out the bedroom window and jumped to the ground from the second story window to get out.

"Maybe she's sleeping around. She's got a boyfriend." Had been Chris's explanation for it. 

"Perhaps she and Sam the dog from down the street are having secret affair." I had thought, thinking of the strange lady calling for her dog. 

To add to that, the backyard light was constantly being left on. I didn't like that. I preferred that, if there was someone lurking in our backyard, that I not see their face through the window. Therefore, I prefer the backyard light left off. But of late, every time I looked out there, I could see the trees behind our house swaying. No, I didn't like it. There was a small patch of woods behind our yard and I always thought about how easy it would be for someone to hide in them and come running out to attack you when you were off your guard. If that had happened, if I had looked up and saw someone there whilst I stood in front of the sink, contemplating washing up, I figured the attacker wouldn't have enough time to attack me, my heart would surely stop and I'd be dead before he even had time to take a step toward the door. Turns out I was wrong about that.

Perhaps I am a coward. In fact, most likely I am. I often read stories, or watch movie where someone has to do something where they are expected to die. Some grave quest to save some maiden from a dragon or go to war to fight for their cause. I have thought to myself, on many occasions, whether I would have been able to stand up and face certain death. The answer is always the same. No. I am a coward. I couldn't punch myself out of a wet bag, much less take on the evilness of Voldemort or go into space to fight the Cardassians. Hell, the sight of anything with more legs than my kitten sends me into shock. Perhaps that was why Chris chose the Spider House to hide him in. 

The Spider House is just one of the two sheds we have in our backyard. There is the Snail House, which houses many snails, which incidentally do not bother me and the Spider House which hosts a great number of a rather large and ugly breed of spiders. I hate spiders. My dad does too so I figure it runs in the family. The mere sight of one, even if it's 20 feet away, sends me screaming and locking myself in the bathroom. Generally, if I could help it, I wouldn't go within 5 feet of the Spider House. It is right next to the path though so on occasion I do walk by it. But every time I have to pass it (usually to find the kitten who always seems to be drawn to it), I run by quickly and always feel itchy afterwards as if one of the spiders was on me-which, needless to say, is NOT a nice feeling. The Spider House was a perfect place to keep something...or someone hidden from me. 

Chris is a software engineer. He does stuff for the government and...whoever else. You know, "Them Who Must Not Be Named". He had to be checked by the Ministry of Defense and made sure he wasn't a terrorist and what not. It all seemed very "James Bond" to me. Anyway, what he actually worked on was basically a mystery to me and even if he could've told me, it would be about computers and I'd still have no idea what he was talking about. Still, it brought home the bacon so I was happy enough about it. I hadn't realized that his work was going to have such an impact on our lives. 


	2. Surely this must all be in my head

Disclaimer: If I owned anything remotely interesting related to Tolkien or his world, would I really be here writing fan fiction? No, I'd be raking in the dough. So you can assume that I own nothing other than my dog-eared copies of the _Silmarillion, the Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit,_ and _The Unfinished Tales_.

The Tolkien Conspiracy

or

The Spider House Rules

author's little yellow sticky post-it note: The Spider House Rules are rules set down by my husband for "our" (and when I say our, I mean all the Loyal Legolas Lovers of the world) Legolas. 

Chapter 1

Rule #1: Under no circumstances should you leave the Spider House when she is awake. Unless you have to go for a wee. Then do it in the flowerbed and get back in!

I could not sleep. For what reason, I wasn't sure. Usually, I stayed up way into the early hours of the morning, 5 or 6 am, and then slept till 1 or 2 p.m. For some reason, on this particular morning I could not sleep. I like to sleep so needless to say, I was being pissy. Not to anyone in particular, as no one was home, but I did find myself shouting at the computer more than usual. Of late, it had decided not to load things properly and to do a lot of crashing when in the middle of a game. I found myself, at 8 am, not asleep, hearing the lady next door yelling "SAM!!!! SAM!!!!" but not being sent into pleasant dreams of hobbits. I missed my morning dose of wide-eyed Frodo and chubby-cheeked Sam riding to Mordor on the back of a ferret named Chester. My dreams are odd, yet entertaining. I decided after listening to her scream for Sam the dog for fifteen minutes that I was awake and staying that way. I had better find something to do. 

Being awake at this time of the morning was unfamiliar to me. It was cold and dreary as are all English mornings it seems to me. I considered watching television but felt that that would be the same as spending the whole day on the computer- completely lazy. So I decided to clean. Taking one look at the living room made me think better of it though. It could not have looked worse had Melkor himself decided to have a Balrog Training Session in the middle of my front room. I shook my head and made my way to the kitchen. The kitten was sat in front of the cat flap (which we keep locked so she can't get out) staring into the backyard. 

"You know Dizzy. I wish I knew what kept you so enthralled that you can sit in front of that little window and stare for hours and hours." I said petting her. And turning to the sink. I then saw in the window above the sink what kept my cat so 'enthralled'. Staring back at me with clear, albeit surprised eyes, was a man. The man was NOT Chris so...I panicked.

"OI!!! Get the hell out of my backyard or I'm calling the police!" I screamed.

He started shaking his head and saying something but I wasn't going to stand around and listen to him. I dashed to the phone to call a real man to get rid of the girly haired, pervert who was looking in my kitchen window. I picked up the phone and put it to my ear.

"Just my luck, some freak outside my window, most likely wanting to rape and strangle me and leave me for dead and I leave the internet on upstairs." I thought to myself getting that lovely crunchy-scraping sound of the modem. I looked back at the window. The creep was still there...looking oddly familiar. 

"You must really have some balls to just sit there. I'm calling the police!" I screamed at him getting my mobile phone from my purse. 

"I know, you've just said." The man said calmly folding his long arms across his chest and looking at me like I was a child. 

"Low batteries." I read allowed to myself. It was going to be one of those days again. I looked back to the window. There he stood, bold as brass, inspecting the back of his hand. I could not believe him. I started to get up to run upstairs and disconnect the internet when my kitten jumped up to the window. He immediately smiled and began talking to her...but not in English. Swedish I had thought. He had the hair for a Swede, didn't he?

"Dizzy is a wonderful animal, she's very loving, although a bit dumb for jumping from that high up window." He said looking up at me. 

How he knew my cat's name, I did not know. Maybe he was one of the sicko's that stalk people. Whatever the case, he was freaking me out yet intriguing me at the same time.

"Who the hell are you?" I finally yelled thinking I was being stupid for not having just called the police rather than engage in idle chitchat with this imposter. 

Putting his hand over his heart and bowing slightly he answered in a gracious and regal way that even the Queen would've had trouble pulling off. 

"Forgive me Lady for startling you so. I am Prince Legolas Greenleaf, Son of King Thranduil of Mirkwood. I am staying in The Spider House. Lord Chris has given me leave to stay there. I am sorry if my presence disturbs you." 

He must have noticed the look on my face. Disturbed? Nah. Not me. Of course, it's not everyday you find out your husband is hiding a man in your shed. Not to mention one from such a popular book and movie. Oh wait, not man, Elf.

"This is insane. You stay right where you are. I'll be back." I said and turned to race up the steps. I disconnected from the internet. 

Looking at the background of my desktop, I began giggling, for there was Legolas right there on my screen. AND, at my kitchen window. When I had come back down stairs, he was again talking softly to my cat in another language. I then realized that it must have been "Elvish". I shook my head and dialed my husbands work number. As I waited for the call to be directed to his desk I thought about what I was going to say to him. Surely this was all a hallucination brought on by my recent obsession with Lord of the Rings and all things Tolkien. Surely, it's sprung up now because of some traumatic incident when I was 4 where I got lost in a mall and thought that my parents left me. Surely this must be all in my mind.

"Hello?" Chris answered. 

I sighed. It was good to hear his voice. He at least, I knew was real.

"Hi. It's me." I said dully. 

"Oh hi. What are you doing up so early?" He asked blandly.

"Why does it always sound like you don't want me to be calling you here?" I asked him suddenly. Damn my being insecure.

"Does, it, "He laughed, "sorry. 

There was a silence between us as I watched Dizzy become mesmerized by the elf.

"So, did you call me just ask that?" Chris said pulling me back to reality.

"Oh, right, well, I'm a bit nervous." I started. " You see, Legolas Greenleaf is at our kitchen window. Um...I think I may need some therapy." Legolas looked up and smiled when he heard his name. I could only smile back weakly. 

"Oh...ok. Well, don't worry, he IS really there. Not hallucinating this time. But, well I'm afraid this is going to take a lot of explaining. Don't worry, he's good people. " He said laughing.

"Um...ok." I said still unsure. We said our good-byes and I went to the back door. I turned the key and opened the door. Immediately Dizzy ran to outside and straight to Legolas. He bent down and gracefully picked her up, crooning to her in Elvish. I did not know what to say, standing there facing a character of fiction. Searching for something appropriate to say to a fictional prince I finally settled on something simple. Something easy, something, very un-American. 

"Well Legolas, would you like to come in for some tea." 

Surely this must all be in my head.


	3. Dr Pepper and strange lights in Rivendel...

Disclaimer: If I owned anything remotely interesting related to Tolkien or his world, would I really be here writing fan fiction? No, I'd be raking in the dough. So you can assume that I own nothing other than my dog-eared copies of the _Silmarillion, the Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, _and _The Unfinished Tales_.

blob of randomness: I so wanted to write something for ff.net but for some reason now that I'm actually doing it, the ideas are coming few and slow. I suppose half of it is my being self-conscious. All the writers in my "favorite authors" and "favorite stories" lists write SO well, and well, I just feel sort of substandard. I suppose, also, I'm so used to having always been told what to write and now that I have the freedom to write anything I want, I'm finding it more difficult than I thought. Anyway, I suppose, this is more an apology if the chapters take a while. :)

The Tolkien Conspiracy

or

The Spider House Rules

author's little yellow sticky post-it note: The Spider House Rules are rules set down by my husband for "our" (and when I say our, I mean all the Loyal Legolas Lovers of the world) Legolas.

Chapter 2

Rule #2: I don't think it would be wise for you to go into the house. So, don't go in.

"I accept your gracious offer of hospitality." He said stepping through the door. 

I didn't know what to do. Surely this was all in my head. Freud would most likely turn over in his grave if he knew I'd just let a hallucination into my house, much less invited him for tea. I watched, slightly horrified at the reality of it all, as my kitten rubbed against his legs, crying for his attention. I shook my head trying to rationalize the fact that why my cat would go to Legolas when she wouldn't come near anyone but my husband and I and generally she ignored us as well. 

"Elves are good with cats and animals...and things. They're all...drawn to nature. Like hippies with better hygiene." I began thinking. I suddenly found myself quoting The Neverending Story, a favorite movie from my childhood. 

"It's only a story, it's not real. It's only a story!" I said lightly rubbing my temples.

I was abruptly pulled from the ensuing insanity by a soft but well-heard cough. It was the same kind of cough that you got from your Math teacher in tenth grade when you'd fall asleep in the middle of a lecture. A sort of call to attention. 

I looked up at Legolas who was standing patiently with a look of slight confusion about his eyes. 

"Are you well, Lady?" He asked after a while.

"I'm sorry, I don't actually have any tea. Is Diet Dr. Pepper ok?" I asked not knowing what to say. 

***

Trying to explain to an elf what carbonation was was a task all in of itself. Had I been in my right mind, I'd have just given the poor guy some water and then at least all I'd had to explain was why I'd had to put it into a special jug first. I definitely think the Brita Water Filtration system would've been easier than explaining carbon dioxide. I had found out that Chris had given him some periodicals to read to acquaint him with the world today but was told that he didn't understand most of what was said. Apparently he'd given Legolas a Cosmopolitan and an FHM, both with Britney Spears on the cover, a few Computer magazines, and the local paper. 

"Great, sex and technology. You'd think he'd thought Legolas was a sixteen year old boy." I thought to myself.

After about fifteen minutes I gave up and decided to move on to easier things. Like, for instance, why he was sitting on my sofa rather than in the forest of Mirkwood. As it turned out he didn't have many answers either. Everything he said just raised more questions in my mind.

"I had just left the Council of Elrond. I had decided that perhaps it would be pleasant to walk among the flowers; to see the gardens. As I made my way to the gardens, I noticed nothing strange or out of place. I would have been able to sense something amiss." He began.

"Naturally, it would be hard for something or someone to sneak up on an Elf." I heard myself saying. I shook my head again. Mental note to self: Elves aren't real. 

"Of course. To my amazement, a strangely clad man appeared before me. I was quite taken aback. He seemed to be emitting an ethereal light but I realized when he moved that he he'd just been surrounded by the light, for it did not travel with him. For reasons unknown even to myself, I decided to reach out and try to grasp the light. As I did, the light seemed to surround me and when it had gone, I was face to face with about a dozen men, all of who were clad as the man I saw in Rivendell. Lord Chris, your good husband, was one of them. He was charged with my keeping." Legolas continued slowly making sure I understood. I got the distinct impression he was treating me as he would a child. 

I sat for a long time mulling it over. By now the initial shock of having found none other than Legolas Greenleaf living in my shed was starting wear off. And although I was still convinced that I was definitely in need of a good psychiatrist, I began to feel more at ease with talking to this figment of my imagination. Trust Chris's boss to chose Chris to look after Legolas. We only have a one-bedroom house. There's hardly enough room for Chris, the kitten, and I to all be in one room without adding another full grown adult. 

"Do they know how they're going to get you back home to Middle Earth?" I finally asked.

"To my knowledge, they do not know how." He said in a way that made me believe he had already considered the possibility of not going back to his native world. I felt sorry for him. Here he was in a land that was foreign to him. Where he was from he was a respected person, known for his wisdom and skills. Here there were only questions for him. It was a bit how I felt when I moved from the US to the UK...only much more drastic, I was sure. He didn't look unhappy. In fact, he looked content to sit on my sofa and talk to my kitten in Elvish for all eternity. 

"You know, you don't have to stay in the Spider House. We don't have a guest bedroom but you're welcome to sleep here on the couch at night." I finally said, again, not knowing the right thing to say.

"You are too kind. I couldn't possibly impose-"

"No, I can't imagine even going anywhere close to the Spider House, much less actually going inside. And sleeping in it, well, I'd rather die. I insist. What kind of a host would I be making you sleep out there?"

"Thank you, Lady, you are too kind." He said smiling broadly. 

So there we sat for quite a while, not saying anything to each other, not really looking at each other. He busied himself with the kitten and I chewed my lip. I couldn't think of anything to say to a Prince. Especially a Prince of Elves who lived in a world that didn't exist. One would think that there'd be hundreds of questions that a Tolkien fan, such as myself would have to ask. Unfortunately, the only question I could think of was "Do you think I look like a hobbit?" and I decided not to ask that one, as it was more of a self-image issue I had with myself. A good half-hour went by before anything was said. I was trying to figure out how to entertain the elf. How did I entertain myself? TV and Internet, of course. 

I decided to let Chris introduce Legolas to the computer later on as he was the software engineer and I would probably just make a fool of myself, as I didn't know much. So I chose television. I decided a movie would be best as it was one story line and I'd thought that if I'd let him watch the news, all he'd hear about is a place called Iraq and how they have "Weapons of Mass Destruction" and how we were on the "Brink of War". Hell, I didn't want to hear about that either so I began looking through my tapes to find something suitable. 

Naturally the first tape on the top was none other than the Lord of the Rings. Glancing at the back of the case, I looked at Legolas-well, Orlando Bloom. 

"Very close Mr. Jackson, very close." I said nodding my head in approval of the similar appearances of the elf on my sofa and the one on the case. 

"What was that, Lady?" I heard from behind me. 

"Nothing." 

I decided that it wouldn't be wise to show him that movie. I mean, if I read a book or watched a movie that told me what was going to happen to me the rest of my way through life, I'm sure it would leave permanent psychological scars. No, no Lord of the Rings for this Elf. The next movie I came across was Moulin Rouge. Women dancing around in their knickers. Perhaps not. Trainspotting...no not even going to bother. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas? No, he'd think the Grinch was an Orc, and I'd have to explain to him Christmas. And that would lead to explaining Christianity and well, I wasn't exactly the best person to explain organized religion. At the bottom of the drawer, I found what I was looking for. Simple and harmless enough, most of the things in this movie could be dismissed as magic. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. 

"Legolas, I think you'll like this movie. It's a story of a boy who goes to a wizard's school. " I told him after putting the tape in the VCR. 

"Movie?"

"It's people acting out a story. These stories about Harry Potter started out as a book. Then they made them into a movie. Just remember, it's not real." I said. I found myself shaking my head again at the absurdity of what I just said. After all, Tolkien's works were fictions that were made into a movie, just like the Harry Potter books. 

"At least I don't think it's real." I said and settled down on the couch to watch a movie with Legolas Greenleaf.


	4. The KnowItAll Elf

Disclaimer: If I owned anything remotely interesting related to Tolkien or his world, would I really be here writing fan fiction? No, I'd be raking in the dough. So you can assume that I own nothing other than my dog-eared copies of the _Silmarillion, the Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit,_ and _The Unfinished Tales_.

The Tolkien Conspiracy

or

The Spider House Rules

author's little yellow sticky post-it note: The Spider House Rules are rules set down by my husband for "our" (and when I say our, I mean all the Loyal Legolas Lovers of the world) Legolas. 

Chapter 3

Rule #3: If she asks you about slash fan fiction, change the subject…believe me, you don't want to know. I've seen what they write on the web and you DON'T want to know. .

Have you ever watched a movie with a person who knew a lot about the subject of that particular film? You know, like watching a film with horseback riding in it whilst sitting beside someone who considers themselves a first rate equestrian. All they do is gab your ear off about how a particular rider is sitting wrong, and so and so doesn't know how to post correctly or he's obviously never tacked a horse in his entire life. It tends to be a bit annoying at times. You want to just tell them to shut up and enjoy the film. Well, at least shut up and let YOU enjoy the film. 

Legolas sighed deeply beside me. 

"What's wrong?" I asked thinking maybe twelve year old humor wasn't cutting it for an Elf who'd been alive for god knows how long and has seen god knows what in that time. I suppose if I had been like normal twenty-two year olds, I'd have lost interest by now as well but because of the events of the morning (i.e. Legolas-in-my-front-room-watching-Harry-Potter hallucinations) I had already long cancelled any thoughts of my being normal. 

"God, my therapy is going to cost loads. I wonder if it's covered by the NHS?"I thought to myself.

"Those are not REAL spells. And those…those children are _not_ wizards. " He said and rather haughtily I might add too. "And that is _not_ how wizards come to be. They were sent from the West to aid Elves..." He continued on. But I had lost my concentration again. It was just like watching Antitrust with my software engineer husband and listening to him explain how code isn't _really _written like that. I know better than to argue. Best to just nod and smile. 

"I do not think Gandalf would approve of such young children dabbling in wizardry. It is a dangerous thing, of course. One needs to use caution. Oh, and look at that! It takes much more skill to kill a troll than that. This is terrible. What if a child comes across a REAL troll and he thinks by hitting him over the head and shoving a stick up his nose, he will be safe. The poor lad would not last long enough to even draw an arrow." Legolas's criticism continued, his hands gesturing wildly at the screen. 

He was right, of course. They weren't REAL wizards. They were only playing wizards in a movie. I wanted to agree with him. But here I was, faced with something…someone that was not real. Or at least wasn't real until I looked out the kitchen window today. Who am I to say what's real and not real now?

"Flying on a BROOM? Now that is just absurd!" He exclaimed throwing his graceful hands up in exasperation.

"No, sitting here, watching Harry Potter with Legolas Greenleaf was absurd." I thought to myself.

"Legolas, I think maybe you're taking this a little too seriously. Perhaps we should watch this some other time." I said reaching for the remote control. "Maybe we can just talk and find out why I've finally cracked."

"Cracked?" He repeated raising an eyebrow, Thranduil-style.

I shook my head, deciding to change the subject. No use dwelling on my mental state. So what does one ask the Prince of Mirkwood when one gets a chance to ask him anything? What would the fans at fanfiction.net want to know? I can only think of one thing.

"What's REALLY going on between Frodo and Sam?"


	5. The Truth About Slash

Apologies: I don't know why the damned thing won't load right but everything is at the side now..soooo….it looks odd. I hate it when things aren't symmetrical

Disclaimer: If I owned anything remotely interesting related to Tolkien or his world, would I really be here writing fan fiction? No, I'd be raking in the dough. So you can assume that I own nothing other than my dog-eared copies of the _Silmarillion, the Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit,_ and _The Unfinished Tales_.

The Tolkien Conspiracy

Or 

The Spider House Rules

Chapter 4

author's little yellow sticky post-it note: The Spider House Rules are rules set down by my husband for "our" (and when I say our, I mean all the Loyal Legolas Lovers of the world) Legolas. 

Rule # 4: No using of weapons anywhere near my house.

For a second there was a look, just a nuance of surprise. It was as if I'd hit the nail square on the head. That look dissipated quickly and was replaced by the nonchalant aloof one that usually occupied the Prince's face. 

"I know not of what you speak. Master Frodo and Master Samwise are companions. Master Samwise looks after Master Frodo. I do not know, " he said narrowing his eyes, "of anything _going on _between them as you say."

He then crossed his arms defensively and looked up to the ceiling as if to say, "The conversation has ended." Unfortunately for him though, I was intrigued. I wasn't going to sit amicably by his side listening to him go on about the proper way to kill trolls when I could be getting the low down and dirty about Middle Earth's Magnificent Nine. First I was going to ask him about Frodo and Sam… and then I was going for the kill; him and Aragorn. Hey, he was my hallucination, the least I could do before they carted me away to the funny farm was have a little fun.

"I reckon, that warriors have some kind of pact. When they go on long perilous journeys they get lonely, need…_comfort_. So, where better to find it than in the arms of your fellow warrior. When the quest has been fulfilled and everyone goes back to their wives and women folk, the whole matter is forgotten and not spoken of." I said matter-of-factly. That _was_ what I believed anyway. 

I was expecting to get another denial. Another incredulous look before a refusal to speak on the matter. At the most, I expected him to explain that he was far too old and wise to let the matters of the flesh distract him on such important journeys.

I got none of these.

I got the Wrath of Legolas. 

I was a bit surprised to say the least. I had always imagined Legolas as quite docile. I imagined, as many do, that Elves were more in control of their emotions than we lowly humans were and therefore, not subject to mood swings and the like. I was wrong. He had apparently taken my comment very personally. In my cheeky, sarcastic mood, I had almost said, "You're mad because he chose Arwen over you, aren't you?" but then decided I'd better just keep quiet. For, although he was quite lovely looking glaring at me from across the couch, he was also quite armed. 

"How dare you? How _dare_ you? You, who have probably never done one brave thing in your life have the audacity to make assumptions about people who would risk their own lives for the sake of others." He began, gesturing with his hands. He was a gesture-er. It was another thing one wouldn't expect of an Elf. I half expected at any minute to be on the receiving end of one of those arrows he fires with such aplomb.

"You would not understand the burden that being of this fellowship places on all of our shoulders. You- you would have _never_ been chosen to defend _your _people. You are not a warrior, you do not know honor and you do _NOT _know my fellow companions." It was true. I didn't know Boromir from Adam and they wouldn't even take me seriously when I went to the Navy recruitment office once to see if I could have them pay for my education, so no, I wouldn't have been chosen to defend my people.. I also didn't know that suggesting that warriors might take comfort in each other's arms would offend him so much. They way I saw it was "to each, his own". Whatever makes you happy…obviously my comment did _not_ make Legolas happy.

"No respect at all. We will be lucky if any of us make it out alive and you make light of the situation." He said, nearly yelling full out. I suppose I could have told him I'd read the book and knew who made it out alive and who didn't but I felt that might cause more problems. "If I was in my own home I could have you executed for far less than what you have said to me."

My eyes immediately searched for the knives Legolas is known to carry as he stood up and began pacing the room like a caged animal. 

"Well, that went well." I thought to myself as he shot a look of contempt to where I was still seated on the couch. 

What could I do? I'd just offended royalty. I suppose I didn't know the protocol. After all, I am an American.

"Prince Legolas, " I began, choosing my words carefully. Very carefully. "Please excuse my…insensitive words. You and your companions are…heroes. It is an honor for me just to be able to be in you presence. 

It must've sounded the same to him as it did to me. Bullshit. 

"I am going to the Spider House. I do now wish to bandy words with you." He said with sneer and walked out the back door. 

I heard the door of the Spider House slam shut and was a bit relieved. I didn't really think he'd have hurt me but the laws are different in Middle Earth to our world so one can never be too careful. Needless to say, this was going to take some explaining when Chris got home. I'd only been in Legolas's company for a few hours and I'd already offended him. I was just thinking of what story to stick with when I came to a realization.

"Hey! That little Elvish _brat_ never answered my question about Frodo and Sam!!" I stated out loud to myself knowing that he'd probably heard me with his sensitive ears. I smiled silently as the thought of his rage made me secretly pleased with myself. 


End file.
